#issue 10: 40 lessons for 40 years
i have this thing where i get older but just never wiser
*I want to thank all those who donated to the LAFD or World Central Kitchen in support of wildfire relief after the last letter. We were able to send over $5000 to LA, which is not nothing. I’m grateful for your support and generosity. All paid subscriptions going forward are being matched and donated to World Central Kitchen, so if you were thinking of upgrading to a paid subscription, your subscription fee will go to an important and worthy cause. Thank you for considering.*
I turned 40 this week, which feels both wild and wonderful at once. Getting older used to feel scary but as the years go on, I’m realizing the best part of aging is finding out just how much more life you have yet to experience. When I was younger, I thought I had it all figured out—what I knew, what I wanted. Now, all I know is that I don’t really know anything at all. It’s the best.
I thought I’d share 40 things I’ve learned over the last 40 years—nothing novel or groundbreaking, but just a few of those sweet nothings that life whispers in your ear, things that I want to remember for the next 40.
There’s no straight ladder to fulfillment, nor is there an end point. There’s only putting one foot in front of the other minute by minute, day by day.
Being human means being inherently flawed. All you can do is overcome resentment, learn from error, and the next day, begin again.
“Life is either a daring adventure or nothing at all.” -Helen Keller
Loving—anything and anyone—is reckless and risky. And you should always, always love more anyway.
The good guys don’t always win. Sometimes bad behavior gets positively reinforced. What matters at the end of the day, and of life, is not what others do, but what you do and if you can live with who you are.
Without decay, you can’t have growth. That’s true for both nature and life.
Nothing is permanent. Make peace with that.
Your friends knew and loved the person you were yesterday, 5 years ago, 20 years ago. And if you pour into those relationships, they will know and love the person you are tomorrow, 5 years from now, 20 years from now. That is everything.
You’ll never regret doing the right thing.
Vulnerability is seen as weakness but it’s really a strength. Letting yourself feel fully means you’re letting yourself live wholly, without abandon, without reservation.
Somedays you will only see pain in the world. But if you look closer you will find something beautiful—a flower, a cloud, a bit of light shining through the trees. Always look closer. It’ll get you to the next day.
If you have extra of something—love, money, resources—and you give it to another in need, what they do with that something is no longer your responsibility, it’s theirs. Do the good thing and then let it go.
Making something—art, poetry, cake, a sandwich—will make you feel better.
Reading is how you make sense of the world, writing is how you process it. Make time for both. Every effort to understand yourself is always worth it.
It’s okay to sit in sadness, to live with pain.
“No hour is ever eternity, but it has its right to weep.” -Zora Neale Hurston
Sitting on top doesn’t afford you the same perspective as scraping yourself off the ground. You learn from losing what you can never learn from winning.
“I have never been in despair about the world. I’ve been enraged by it. I can’t afford despair. I can’t tell my newphew, my niece. You can’t tell the children there’s no hope.” -James Baldwin
Healing takes both time and courage. Show up with courage but then give yourself time.
Just because you carry it well doesn’t mean it’s not heavy. Give yourself more credit and more grace.
“A ship in harbor is safe, but that is not what ships are built for.” -John A Shedd
Imposter syndrome is a waste of your time. Either do the thing or don’t do it, but don’t spend so much brainspace thinking about how much you suck at it.
“In the face of darkness, you drag everyone into the light. That is the point.” -Eli Pope, Scandal
Sometimes it doesn’t need to be a conversation. Sometimes you just need to listen.
Your kids are the center of your world. They are not the center of the world. Make sure they know both of those things.
Some situations will break your heart but fix your vision.
“Your very existence is an act of rebellion.” -Albert Camus
Who you surround yourself with is the epitome of who you are.
When there are no words, don’t try to find them. Love speaks in silence, too.
Anything is machine washable if you have nothing to lose.
Hope is not delicate and flowery. Hope is a bad ass bitch. It’s not easy to have hope, it’s actually hard as hell.
People, including and especially kids, won’t listen until they feel listened to.
“Talent is insignificant. I know a lot of talented ruins. Beyond talent lie all the usual words: discipline, love, luck, but most of all, endurance.” - James Baldwin
Empathy is the secret to everything.
the thing is
to love life, to love it even
when you have no stomach for it
-ellen bass
If you’re saying yes to something, you’re saying no to something else. Only say yes when you really want to.
If you’re out of sorts, try one of the 3 s’s… sun, shore, or sleep.
Your brain is your most precious asset and attribute, be mindful of what you fill it with. This goes for media consumption, social scrolling, and other people’s nonsense—both in person and online.
Oysters and champagne are always a good idea.
Pinch yourself. You built this life. It’s far from perfect, but it is perfect for you. You did it, you’re doing it.
Clear eyes, full hearts, can’t lose.
I write these letters about motherhood as personhood because I hope these thoughts are in some way not only my own. When I put these out, it makes me feel a little less alone and I hope it does the same for you. If you like this letter, you can click the heart below, forward it to a friend, share it on social, or leave a comment. Thanks for being here. I appreciate you.
I loved 27, and you! Having you, your thoughts and feelings in my orbit makes me a better person. Thank you and happiest birthday wishes🩷
As I read this beautiful collection of lessons, I started mentally noting my favorites, ones I’d write out on a post it by my desk or dresser. But it wasn’t long before I realized I should probably just print out the whole thing :)
Thank you for sharing xo